Today the earth spoke and i listened
The waters called my name
With familiarity
And tender memory
Where have you been asked the sea
You used to come and visit me
And cleanse your soul your skin and mine
And rid us of the sin and grime
The shadows linger just out of view
Outlining city scape old and new
Was it better then
No not ever
Just sweet remaining imagined embers
And I breathe deep; take the whole world in
And exhale release to new beginning
I have work to do
I can not hide
Radical self nourishment to stem the tide
Stand still and hope
Move close and pray
Reveal the path I take today
I have the strength
In fear no more
Throw guilty shame on desolate floor
I hear the world cry out to me
Eyes wide shut the truth I see
Manifesting manifesto intention named
Like pictures captured poses same
It calls to me and i to you
Shall i lead wait or follow
No time to choose
I heard the sea caress my name
While moon and sun do rise and set …and rise and set
I hope you know I love you
before you die
I wonder if all your dreams came true
before you die
please tell me what you hoped for
before you die
please show me what to do
Before you die
Please tell me where to find you
before you die
i will unturn every stone
before you die
please share with me your secrets
before you die
please forgive me for my own
Before you die
i will touch your lips and linger
before you die
i will wipe away those tears
before you die
i will trace my heart on your heart
before you die
i will protect you from my fears
Before you die
i will hold your hand in my hand
before you die
i will place your cheek on mine
before you die
i will caress you oh so softly
before you die
i will love you one last time
Before you die
i will gently close your eyes dear
before you die
for you are oh so close…but far
before you die
please don’t make me say goodbye love
before you die
i will release you to the stars
Before you die
October 15, 2014 was the first day of the rest of my life. 6 months later, it is time to give you the back story? Cue music Jill Scott’s song “Golden”. This is how I choose to live my life “Like It’s Golden” It’s taken me a roller coaster ride and then some, to be able to reach this point. So settle done and listen to my tale..
Pain
The final frontier
These are the voyages of a chronic pain person
An already 16 month mission to explore a strange new body,
To eek out a new life in this civilization
And to boldly go where I had never gone before
Apologies and Thanks to Gene Rodenberry for this launch.
On December 31st 2013, I stepped on the scale, as I am apt to do, a cocktail waiting delectably at my side – perhaps not the best place to drink, but I dowash my hands-and I stepped…For those of you who have plummeted, dove, placed a tremulous toe , or have been pushed to get on a scale, not only does it call for copious amounts of drinks before and after…and sometimes during, but often it is impotent to have medical personnel or a speed dial 999, 911, or even a 666 handy. Why, you dare ask? Because as the numbers go up, you become diaphoretic, your heart rate and blood pressure increase, you speak profanely about all that is holy, and on that rare occasion you pick up that scale and toss it outside, like the opening credits of SCTV.
Now I have some tricks that Ill share with you, and I offer them in no particular order..oh and . yes, you are welcome. 1. I’ve found switching the scale from pounds to kilograms has a tremendous psychological advantage. 2. I’ve mastered weighing myself so that the scale wheezes and gives out, or never goes past the 125 mark. 3. Kick the scale when it sounds like it’s laughing at you. 4. Kick the scale if it sounds like it’s groaning. 5. I consider myself more flexible than nimble, but when push has come to shove-and it had-I’ve e weighed myself on tip toes, on one leg, leaning on a wall, holding up a wall, holding onto the bathroom counter, before and after going to the bathroom, before and after shaving-the imagination is yours not mine-, with one eye open, with both eyes closed, with one arm tied behind my back, kneeling, sitting, lying and sleeping on the scale. I’ve fallen off a scale and sprained my ankle-please refer to the comment about medical personnel- I’ve even weighed myself sitting on a toilet -see above-no easy feat I tell you, but the bottom line, no matter what I did, the scale never surprised me with multiple choice options of numbers-always choose c-or magically transfigured-and I was no lighter, even though I tried “wingardium leviosa” with the appropriate emphasis. So if I hadn’t thrown out the scale-see above- I hid it or just left the old batteries in until the machine said “Lo” and I just had to agree with it.
Well getting back to the original point I got on the scale-and mildly oblivious-remember the cocktail-and half incredulous, it started to climb…100, 200, 300 350, 360…and more…and I stepped off before it could climb any further-actuallly I pressed the ‘panic” eject button-every scale needs one of these and I’m claiming that patent now- and ended up collapsed onto the toilet seat drinking that now less than delectable cocktail. The irony wasn’t lost on me. I weighed at least one pound for every day in the year and perhaps an additional leap year or two in there, but I would never know because I pressed that soon to be on all scales, eject button, and stepped off of the scale. How had I got here? An elite athlete well into my 20s. 2 kids 4 step kids, marriage divorce and a failed business by mid 30s,and with each major event, the pounds became my ever present companions; never complaining, happily settling into their new role as confidante, counsellor and tormentor, but never leaving my side. That still might be better than a spouse or a pet I think, for.at least you don’t have to deal with their excrement…but again I digress.
Over the years I had tried to relieve myself of my bodily accoutrements with mixed results, some short term successes, but longer periods of frustrations, disappointments, denials, and pain, yes both physical and emotional. With the years of weight gain, the type of work and injuries sustained there, and some attributes with which I was created, I started to suffer with back and leg pain and numbness. Eventually I couldn’t feel below my waist, the pain was excruciatingly constant, I couldn’t walk 2 steps without pain, had lost much of the quality of my life, and was surviving on prescribed narcotics. Finally I couldn’t pretend anymore. Something had to give and I didn’t want it to be me. I couldn’t celebrate another New Year with the weight of of 365 days still upon me. If this was as good as it got, i wanted better. I deserved better. I had to do something
Because my eyes opened to the sunrise
Because my ears awoke to the sounds of Spring
Because I’m breathing in the scent of a new day
Because I taste Mother Nature’s succulent gifts
Because I’m receiving love’s touch
Because I’m present to this very moment
Because I’m alive
It is already, a perfect day.
And
I’m more than just what you see
Outside of my skin
Within
Burning desires
Like liquefied fires
Flowing deeply abyss like
a life death defying
Hush!
Hiding the secrets still lurking inside
And
You feel it too
Deep beneath
all my petrified remains
Lives a fossilised heart
waiting to beat
back the pulsing restraint
of my mind
takes control of the
dicing and splicing what’s left of my soul
And
I’m more than just fairy tales, hopes and frayed dreams
That nightmare each night
Wholly night, holy night
to silence the screams
Rejected regrets for blind choices unseen
Unravelling the seams like the poor broken seamstress’
sweats for your jeans
And
I’m more than the words that you read in this rhyme
Swept up reflections that sound so sublime
Punctuated dunks on plasmo-screens
Rewind, press play, like a marionette ballet
A sacred display
Of my sanity’s expiring
I plead to retrieve
my fragmented remnants of short-circuited wiring
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